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I think my brain is broken

     Since my last serious post titled "Anyone else feel incapable of ever completing anything?"[1], I have been thinking. As per usual. I came to the conclusion that I am stuck in a perpetual loop between different states of being. I can't be sure which is my default, so I will begin with my current state of mind - nihilism.
     It manifests as disillusionment, defeatism and a sense that all my actions are for naught. I am slowly drifting through the emptiness of space and flailing around ineffectually, my direction and fate predetermined.
     At some point, after much analysis and self-pity, I will come to the conclusion that if my life lacks purpose, then I am also free from obligations and expectations. I become fully determined to live life according to my whims and always strive to maximize pleasure and happiness.
     Each phase usually lasts one or two weeks. My state of mind deteriorates, and I fall into another crisis of meaning. I feel as if I'm wasting my life, because I am not dedicating myself to something meaningful. I need create something to outlive me, leave a mark on the world, struggle in service of something bigger, and overcome some insurmountable challenge.
     I usually start working on some project - writing a novel, creating a website, working out, buying and reading a bunch of books - or decide to do something drastic and daring. All that vanishes after a while, though. This is usually triggered triggered by a plan not working out, some miscalculation, a bump in the road, social anxiety, or just a longer stretch of unoccupied time. If I ever stop to think, I tend to slip into the next step of the cycle.
     Any one of these states would be fine with me, if I could just keep to it. All these constant shifts in my mood are exhausting, and contributes to me never accomplishing anything. Every time I decide on a project and get into the flow of things, I have another crisis. My life is cluttered with projects that are 20% complete.
     At some level I suspect manic depression, but I doubt I will get myself diagnosed any time soon.


[1] Read my previous post about the subject here.

Posted: 2022-03-16
Edited: 2022-03-16